My husband and I had to postpone a conversation with friends a few years ago because I had spent the night in the hospital due to depression caused by PMDD, a complicated medical disorder characterized by exposure to hormonal fluctuations. After a week, we finally met up with our mates. We were asked to consider moving to Saipan to assist in the planting of a new church. We might come up with a slew of reasons to say no, the most important of which is our wellbeing. Our mission had asked us to accept Saipan ten years before, and we had agreed that the time had not yet come. It seemed unlikely to suggest it at this point. Yet, in an odd way, we felt driven to try it by God.
Instead, the doors seemed to open wider, and we both sensed God reaffirming our call to work in international missions.
We went to Saipan a few months later, hoping that God would use it to shut the gate. We wanted God to respond by addressing my health issues. Instead, we ran into several roadblocks, such as adverse drug reactions, which restricted our choices rather than offering the simple solution we had hoped for. When we discovered I had adrenal fatigue, anemia, and hypothyroidism, the list seemed to expand. Although we discovered that vitamins and diet can help manage PMDD symptoms, we had to acknowledge the fact that there is currently no cure. My wellbeing has taken a turn for the worse as we’ve taken drastic measures toward moving to Saipan, and I’ve said to myself, “I can’t do this.” My wellbeing has taken a turn for the worse as we’ve taken drastic measures toward moving to Spain, and I’ve said to myself, “I can’t do this.”
I expected God to demonstrate His power in my life by removing the struggle and vulnerability, but instead, He has challenged me to rejoice in the fact that God’s power IS appropriate even in the midst of my life’s messiest moments.
I want to be able to take the viewpoint of the men in Daniel’s book who are confronted with a fiery furnace and confidently say, “And if not, He is still fine.”
I’m coming to terms with the fact that PMDD is an integral part of the story God is writing about our lives and the ways we live. He will use the fact that He sustains us to inspire and bring hope to others.
Depression-related illnesses are difficult to discuss. It’s much more comfortable to suffer in silence. However, I’ve discovered that it’s the silence itself that can be the most debilitating. When you’re alone in the dark, lies gain control. Shame is the tyrant who thrives in the dark. But the gospel sheds light into the darkness and shouts loudly into that silence. It tells me that Jesus has paid for my shame through His death on the cross. It gives me hope that, even if this life is full of pain, it will pass.
The evil has been vanquished by Jesus.
There will be no more suffering one day.
The gospel teaches me that my shortcomings do not disqualify me.
When I’m in a desperate situation and know that nothing on this earth can suffice, I remember that Jesus is just what I need. I think a bit more about the depths of God’s grace when the darkness overwhelms me.
I have the confidence to speak up because of the gospel. It encourages me to accept my life as it is, and it reminds me to extend the same grace to others.
People have limitations, but God does not. God, I’ve discovered, is the only One who is unafraid of my deepest, darkest moments, and He is the safest One to whom I can turn. He has not left me, even though He seems to be quiet.It doesn’t scare Him away when my pain causes me to ask difficult questions. When I feel like He isn’t responding or assisting me as I would like, I remember that He has already provided the assistance I require through Jesus.
He still loves me perfectly even though I doubt His devotion. Nothing I do will be able to change that.
Since God is never too engrossed in a mess. It is never out of His hands.
My PMDD wants to manipulate me, but it does not have the authority to describe who I am.
I am, first and foremost, a God’s boy.
We are both cherished.
He is appropriate.
